Understanding Trauma Bonding
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is an intensely unhealthy emotional attachment that some people who have been abused develop with their abuser.
What Does It Mean To Be Trauma Bonded To Someone?
Being trauma bonded means you have experienced repeated abusive behavior from someone you have a relationship with.
Prolonged and repeated abusive behavior creates a cycle of abuse known as intermittent reinforcement in which the abusive partner is affectionate at one moment and abusive in the next moment.
A traumatic bond thrives on intermittent reinforcement as you’re emotionally ping-ponged between intense feelings of distress and relief. This emotional ping ponging causes deep confusion as the abused person becomes entrapped in this unpredictable, unhealthy relationship.
What Is A Trauma Bond Relationship?
A trauma bond relationship is a platonic or romantic relationship ruled by a cycle of abuse, devaluation, unpredictable rewards or good moments, and power imbalance.
Is Trauma Bonding Bad?
Yes, trauma bonding is a highly toxic and unhealthy relationship that contributes to significant physical and psychological harm.
How Trauma Bonds Form In Abusive Relationships
How Does A Trauma Bond Develop In An Abusive Relationship?
A trauma bond develops by creating a loss of self within the abusive relationship.
According to the United States Department of State (DOS), trauma bonding is a form of repeated trauma exposure that negatively affects brain development and rewires how you think. You become more numb and disconnected from yourself, and the abuse creates a biological addiction to the intensity, familiarity, and routine of the abusive behavior.
Additionally, a trauma bond is formed through psychological coercion as the abusive partner isolates the abused person from their social support system. This isolation creates an environment where you feel trapped, helpless, and dependent on the abuser.
What Role Does The Cycle Of Abuse Play In Trauma Bonding?
The cycle of abuse is a driving force behind trauma bonding, as it creates and reinforces a relationship power imbalance in which you become reliant on the abuser as a safe place.
That power imbalance is fueled by intense emotional highs and lows.
How Do Love Bombing And Gaslighting Contribute To Trauma Bonds?
Love bombing and gaslighting utilize emotional abuse and manipulation to build and reinforce an unhealthy emotional attachment and dependence on the abuser.
Through love bombing, the abuser showers you with excessive amounts of love, attention, and praise to gain your affection and trust. Moreover, love bombing quickly creates this intense emotional connection that sets the stage for a false sense of safety and the belief that you need the abuser to survive.
Gaslighting reinforces that traumatic bond by manipulating your perception of reality and your ability to trust your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The abusive partner may use tactics like denying wrongdoing to erode your self-trust and shift the blame to you. Gaslighting forces you to rely on the abuser to tell you what’s real, reinforces self-blame, and over time erodes self-worth, self-esteem, and your sense of self.
Is Trauma Bonding The Same As Stockholm Syndrome?
Trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome are often used interchangeably, but trauma bonding is more of an umbrella term, while Stockholm syndrome has been used to refer to a specific type of trauma bond.
According to the European Journal of Psychotraumaology, Stockholm syndrome was originally used in an effort to explain why some survivors of hostage-type situations didn’t appear to react with fight-or-flight and even seemed to sympathize with their abuser.
The Psychology Behind Trauma Bonding
Why Do People Feel Strong Emotional Attachment To An Abusive Partner?
The cycle of abuse and affection an abused person experiences creates a strong emotional attachment built on fear, confusion, unpredictability, isolation, and dependence.
An abusive partner isolates you from loved ones, strips away your self-trust and sense of self, and creates an environment where they’re your only support system and safe place.
How Do Dopamine, Oxytocin, And Cortisol Affect Trauma Bonds?
Trauma bonding is a powerful and addictive emotional attachment that relies on chemical messengers and hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and cortisol to reinforce the bond built in the cycle of abuse.
Dopamine is the craving chemical or hormone that drives the desire, anticipation, and pursuit of that rewarding sensation. Love bombing releases a surge of dopamine through the reward pathways of your brain that makes you crave those fleeting good moments.
Oxytocin is the bonding hormone that contributes to building trust, intimacy, and social-emotional attachment with others. The abuser will shower you with words or actions that manufacture physical intimacy or emotional closeness to reinforce and strengthen the attachment you have to the abuser. Cortisol is the stress hormone that your body releases when the brain detects a perceived danger or stress.
Gaslighting during the devaluation phase of the abuse cycle floods your brain with cortisol, which heightens feelings of anxiety, panic, and fear because you know you’re in danger. When the abuser shifts back to the affection phase, those cortisol levels drop, and your brain is again flooded with dopamine and oxytocin. This cycle of dopamine, oxytocin, and cortisol wires your brain and nervous system to associate the relief of survival and safety with the same person who causes the threat and harm.
How Does Intermittent Reinforcement Strengthen Emotional Connection?
Intermittent reinforcement strengthens the emotional connection in a trauma bond when the abuser unpredictably alternates between abusing you and providing affection.
How Do Narcissists Create Trauma-Bonded Relationships?
Narcissists rely on power imbalance, manipulation, control, isolation, and intermittent reinforcement of abuse and affection to build and strengthen a trauma-bonded relationship.
Signs Of Trauma Bonding
What Are The Signs Of Trauma Bonding?
Some common signs of trauma bonding include:
- Loss of self: abandoning your relationships, interests, opinions, and goals for the abuser
- Trying to rationalize and justify the abuser’s actions
- Self-blame for the abusive partner’s actions
- Covering up or lying about the abuse
- The abuser isolates you from your family members and loved ones
Why Do You Defend Or Feel Loyal To An Abusive Partner?
You may defend or feel loyal to an abusive partner due to factors related to control, manipulation, and taking advantage of your emotional connection.
It’s hard not to defend or feel loyal to an abuser when you love them or when they use manipulative tactics like gaslighting and love bombing to confuse you. Additionally, manipulation and isolation disorient you, erode your grasp on reality, and impede your ability to trust your memories, instincts, feelings, and yourself.
How Does Trauma Bonding Affect Self-Esteem And Self-Worth?
Trauma bonding erodes your self-esteem and self-worth by training you to believe that you must suffer and constantly re-earn love, worth, and validation.
What Does Loss Of Sense Of Self Look Like In A Trauma-Bonded Relationship?
The slow but systematic erosion of your identity, self-worth, and boundaries as you give up your needs and self-censor your thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict with the abuser.
Stages Of Trauma Bonding
What Are The 7 Stages Of A Trauma Bond?
The seven stages of a trauma bond are:
- Love bombing
- Trust and dependency
- Criticism and devaluation
- Manipulation and gaslighting
- Resignation
- Loss of self
- Addiction
How Do Idealization, Devaluation, And Control Show Up In Relationships?
Idealization, devaluation, and control show up in unhealthy relationships as a carefully orchestrated cycle of abuse by the abuser.
The abusive partner uses excessive flattery, commitment, and mirroring your interests, values, and goals to give the illusion that they’re the perfect person. Once you idealize them, the abuser starts the devaluation phase to rob you of your self-esteem and self-worth by criticizing everything about you, from your hobbies and goals to your appearance and intelligence.
During devaluation, the abuser also withholds their affection and uses gaslighting to convince you that the abusive behavior isn’t happening. Throughout the abuse cycle, the abuser uses control to isolate you from your loved ones and manipulate you into believing every problem is your fault and that you need them to manage your life.
Why Do Good Moments Keep You Stuck In The Cycle?
The good moments reinforce the emotional connection and make you second-guess if you’re experiencing abuse.
Trauma Bonding Vs Healthy Relationships
What Is The Difference Between Trauma Bonding And Healthy Relationships?
Abusive relationships are built on a cycle of abuse, control, manipulation, and fear, while healthy relationships are built on consistent emotional safety and mutual trust and respect.
How Can You Tell If You Are In An Unhealthy Relationship?
Signs of an unhealthy relationship:
- They control your money, track your location, and go through your devices
- You aren’t allowed to spend time with family members, friends, or other loved ones
- They threaten to hurt you, loved ones, or themselves
- Physical violence, verbal abuse, or sexual abuse
- They purposely make you feel bad about yourself
What Role Does Power Imbalance Play In Trauma Bonds?
Power imbalance is a core part of a trauma bond because it destroys healthy boundaries, weaponizes affection, erodes self-esteem, enforces helplessness, and fosters complete dependence on the abuser.
Can You Be Trauma-Bonded to a Caregiver or Family Member?
Yes, because a trauma bond is at its strongest in relationships with significant power imbalance.
Children are completely reliant on their caregiver or family members for their physical and emotional safety.
Effects Of Trauma Bonding On Mental Health And Well-Being
How Does Trauma Bonding Impact Mental Health And Daily Functioning?
Trauma bonding rewires the brain for dependency, leads to emotional exhaustion, confusion, and increases your risk for depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
The stress of trauma bonding also disrupts daily functioning by impairing thinking, concentration, decision-making, social support, your sense of self, and physical health.
Can Trauma Bonding Lead To Self-Blame Or Codependency?
Yes, the intermittent reinforcement of abuse and affection confuses and conditions you to believe you’re the cause of the abuse.
Additionally, trauma bonding creates a type of codependency where your sense of safety is tied to the abuser, and you take on all of the abuser’s needs and problems as your responsibility.
How Does It Affect Relationships With Family Members And Loved Ones?
It often erodes relationships as they make excuses for the abusive behavior and pull away from their support system.
Can Trauma Bonds Go Away?
Do Trauma Bonds Ever Go Away?
Yes, it’s challenging and takes time, but you can break from a trauma bond when you recognize the abuse, seek support, distance yourself from the abuser, and practice self-compassion.
How Long Does It Typically Take To Break A Trauma Bond?
Healing from abuse and trauma is a complex and deeply individual experience that doesn’t have a set timeline.
What Factors Affect Healing And Recovery?
Healing is influenced by the type of relationship, relationship length, support system strength, and other life factors, such as co-parenting needs.
How To Break A Trauma Bond Safely
How To Break A Trauma Bond Fast?
Enforce strict no-contact, keep a journal to prevent romanticizing the relationship, and seek professional help from mental health professionals.
How To Break A Trauma Bond With A Narcissist?
Steps to breaking your trauma bond with a narcissist:
- Acknowledge that the abuse is real
- Make a safety plan to escape
- Establish and maintain no-contact or structured low contact if you share children
- Seek trauma-informed support from mental health professionals
- Start rebuilding your support system
- Keep a journal to reinforce the truth, rebuild trust in yourself, and rediscover your identity
What Steps Help You Rebuild A Sense Of Self And Self-Worth?
Some steps to help you rebuild your sense of self and self-worth include:
- Set healthy boundaries for yourself
- Seek trauma-informed care and attend support groups
- Reframe negative self-beliefs and practice self-care
- Reclaim your identity by returning to your hobbies and trying new activities
- Gradually rebuild healthy relationships with loved ones
Why Is Self-Compassion Important During Healing?
Self-compassion is vital to eliminating shame, self-blame, self-criticism, and rebuilding self-trust and an internal sense of safety.
How Long Does It Take to Heal From a Trauma-Bonded Relationship?
Healing varies from person to person based on individual factors and circumstances.
Creating A Safety Plan And Finding Support
What Is A Safety Plan In Domestic Violence Situations?
A safety plan is a tool that helps keep you safe as you take steps to leave an abusive relationship.
A safety plan may include changing your phone number, shelter options, a go bag with essential resources and important documents, and legal referrals.
When Should You Reach Out To The National Domestic Violence Hotline?
Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you’re questioning whether you’re experiencing abuse or if you want to try to leave.
How Can Support Systems And Safe Places Help You Leave An Abusive Relationship?
Leaning into support systems and finding safe places can help validate your feelings, find missed resources, distance yourself from the abuser, and build a healthy support system.
What Role Do Support Groups And Social Support Play In Recovery?
They help break the cycle of isolation, rebuild healthy social and emotional connections, regain trust in others and yourself, and rediscover your sense of self.
Professional Help For Trauma Bonding
How Can Mental Health Professionals Help With Trauma Bonding?
Alta Health provides trauma-informed therapy to help restore your sense of safety and build coping strategies that empower autonomy and emotional resilience.
What Evidence-Based And Trauma-Informed Therapies Are Effective?
Some effective evidence-based, wellness-oriented modalities and trauma-informed therapies Alta Health offers include:
- Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)
- Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)
- Group therapy
- Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)
- Trauma-specific therapy
- Mindfulness-based therapies
When Should You Seek Professional Help?
If you’re feeling unsafe or trapped in your relationship, self-blame, or depression and anxiety around the abuser, it’s time to seek professional help.
Rebuilding Self-Worth And Emotional Independence
How Do You Rebuild Self-Esteem After An Abusive Relationship?
Practice self-compassion and self-care, reframe negative self-beliefs, identify your strengths and achievements, and spend time with people who make you happy and who love and respect you.
What Self-Care Strategies Support Long-Term Healing?
Self-care strategies for long-term healing:
- Journaling, affirmations, grounding exercises
- Emotional expression: making art, listening to music
- Exercise, hiking, walking, biking, or yoga
- Rediscovering your passions
How Can You Develop Healthy Emotional Connections Moving Forward?
You can develop healthy emotional connections by:
- Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
- Rediscovering your sense of self by reconnecting to the interests you enjoy and value
- Seeking support from mental health professionals
- Attending group therapy and support groups
- Giving yourself grace and space to foster trust in others
FAQs About Trauma Bonding
24/7 access and the cycle of attention and digital abuse like trolling, cyberbullying, and cyberstalking on social media can influence and reinforce trauma bonds.
Yes, trauma bonding is rooted in emotional manipulation and psychological abuse.
Trauma bonding is a survival-based emotional attachment driven by a cycle of abuse.
Codependency reflects behavioral patterns like people-pleasing, which is often rooted in the childhood belief that your self-worth is tied to being needed by others.
Trauma bonds can happen with caregivers, family members, friends, and employers if there’s a power imbalance and a cycle of abuse.
Understanding trauma bonding and your support options is invaluable for making an informed decision about your mental health and well-being. If you think you’re experiencing a trauma-bonded relationship or you’re leaving an abusive relationship, our Alta Health team can provide guidance and support to restore safety, resilience, and emotional well-being in your life.